Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
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What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.