my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
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ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
A huge thanks to the person that did this
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!