I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
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i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
me working on my assignments ^-^
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher