If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
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*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.