Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
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Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Natural selection at its finest
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?