I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Velcrow
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description