Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
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The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.