Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Velcrow
![]()