hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
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Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
another case of gang violins
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park