People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
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Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
it be like that
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.