[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.