Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
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Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Nomnomnomnom
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]