I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
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if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
The pen is writier than the sword.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy