I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
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Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
That’s it.I’m out.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking