Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
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My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.