@MavenofHonor

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

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@PhilipJFried

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

@bazecraze

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

@sixfootcandy

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

@Megatronic13

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

@AlanFelyk

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

@TheRealHoarse

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

@Shade510

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

@alispagnola

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

@Craftybeername

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed