Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
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If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.