Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
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Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
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ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
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she has a point
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My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
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Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?