JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
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Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves