17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My biological clock is wheezing.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
kevin is now a local weatherman
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.