Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
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I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.