Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
You Might Also Like
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
awkward
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Ironic
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!