Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
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Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
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[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
congratulations to them
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this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Oceanography is all about current events
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.