Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
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Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
How software testing works
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face