Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
shit just got real
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
pizza
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
felt that
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.