I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
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ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week