When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
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Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Not all heroes wear capes….
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Admin smashed it 😂
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers