You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
hey, alexa
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters