hey, alexa
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Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
how was your vacation
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??