Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
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ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no