I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
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My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Leaving the Barbers like
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
dutch so unserious
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
fr
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box