My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
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Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
are they though??
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.