I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
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Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
2 years later
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend