Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
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Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Barbie gone wild
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex