there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
You Might Also Like
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.