PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
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[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.