“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
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Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
RT if you could go either way.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all