corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
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[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
This why you should mind your business
channeling her this year
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!