corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
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Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit