[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
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*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
That’s it.I’m out.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.