Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
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YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Follow me for more life hacks.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Monday
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day