Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
*launders Kohls cash*
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I just love that new Pope smell.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?