I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Whisper out to librarians!
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.