CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
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Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Need this in my life lol
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
it was love at first sight
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Discuss
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.