Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
You Might Also Like
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Ooops wrong house😂😜