When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Meeeee too!
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.