Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
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Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Don’t talk down to me
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.