Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
The days of good grammer has went
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.