Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
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When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]