Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
*pronounces fake like saké*
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me