i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
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[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
“That’s what” – She
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
The pasta is now
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”