Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
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BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”