me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
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BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Wait a second…
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?