dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.