He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

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[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost


IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?


HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats


How do I explain to this 5yo why it is of paramount importance to use the word kitty instead of pussy in his Mother’s day card?


I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”


“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween


aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok


Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss


Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.


The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the