@suecorvette

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

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@david8hughes

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

@DaddyJew

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

@AbrasiveGhost

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

@LifeStricken

How do I explain to this 5yo why it is of paramount importance to use the word kitty instead of pussy in his Mother’s day card?

@PoliticallyILL1

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

@TheBoydP

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

@scootergonscoot

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

@punmagnate

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

@Reverend_Scott

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the