He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
welp
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
What personal space?
My dog
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: